Bryan Joiner

Entries from January 2008

The case for the Patriots

January 31, 2008 · 5 Comments

Or, “my official Super Bowl post.”

The last two weeks have seen an intense speculation as to what’s going to happen on Sunday, and not just in the Puppy Bowl. (My money’s on Scuba. No discernible breed: cuteness from everywhere). Many of the columns I’ve read have focused on how the Giants just might win, which is understandable, given that most of the country has already been talking about the Patriots for 20 weeks. But during this entire time, I haven’t heard argument that stands up under the smallest bit of scrutiny other than the simple, effective, “The Giants could win.” They are playing, so yes, they could. The Steelers and Broncos could not, so in that sense, it’s already a wonderful football season (Growing up rooting against the Yankees leads to equations like this, but I hate those guys). However, beyond that, there’s not much you can say that stands up under even a little bit of pressure. Let’s take the arguments for the Giants one by one:

1. The Giants as road warriors

The Giants have put together one of the more impressive Super Bowl pushes in the last few years, joining the ‘85 Pats, ‘00 Ravens and ‘05 Steelers as a team that won three straight road games to make the Super Bowl. Two of these teams won it all, the other got crushed. But the Giants’ feat is even more impressive: they’ve won 10 road games in a row all told, losing only to Dallas this year. So it would seem that they’re comfortable away from Giants Stadium. Unfortunately, the Pats are just as comfortable away from Foxboro(ugh), having gone 8-0 on the road (and 10-0 at home). It seems silly to assume that whatever factor that allows the Giants to not suck on the road will not apply to the Patriots, who don’t suck anywhere.

2. Plaxico calls it 23-17; Dr. Z calls it 24-20, both for Giants

When the Giants played the Patriots in Giants Stadium in December, it was cold, loud and inhospitable for the Pats, and they still rung up 38 points. The Giants, for their part, scored 35. However, they scored a special teams touchdown (which can’t be counted on to be duplicated) and a last-minute touchdown that that Pats basically gave to them. That’s 14 points that might not show up for them, so okay, there’s your 23/24 range. The lowest point total the Patriots have scored is 20, and that was against the Jets in ghastly conditions in Foxboro(ugh) in December. Now, in a quiet stadium, in warm weather, the Patriots are going to score lower or equal to their season minimum? That seems pretty unlikely. It’s not that I don’t respect Dr. Z’s pick of the Giants (I merely disagree), but to not even mention that this is indicative of a lack of research. For his part, he’s up front that he’s playing a hunch, but it’s not a hunch that looks realistic.

3. The Giants have only gotten better since the Pats game, while the Pats have gotten worse

People have said the Pats have looked vulnerable since the Eagles and Ravens games, and they are correct. But they’ve still won. The Giants have put together a nice run, beating the Buccaneers, Cowboys and Packers, but let’s look at those games: the Bucs stink, the Cowboys have floundered and were still one Patrick Crayton drop away from having the lead late in the game, and the Packers game was a toss-up in that weather (Much like the Pats/SD game could have been because of its own weather. The weather was worse in Green Bay, but it was still really bad in New England, and the Pats were pretty gritty to win it. So was Philip Rivers, for what it’s worth). Now, the Giants still won, but they could have lost those games, just as the Pats could have lost to any number of teams. So why do we only hear it about the Pats?

4. The Patriots’ defense is not very good

This one bothers me the most. The Giants led the league in sacks, so they’ve got the flash associated with them, but they gave up 351 points in the regular season. The Pats gave up 274, and even accounting for their crappy division, have a higher-rated ‘D’ than the Giants according to the number-crunchers at Football Outsiders. The Pats’ defense is not great, but they still have two starting Pro Bowlers in Mike Vrabel and Asante Samuel, and the Giants have none. Sure, they have Pro Bowl-caliber players in Strahan, Umenyiora and maybe Tuck, and having those three guys in one place could wreak some havoc; but then you have to add Seymour, Wilfork and Warren on the other side, to say nothing of the aging vets Seau, Bruschi and Harrison. The Pats may give up some big plays, but the Giants are apt to give up bigger ones and, more importantly, smaller ones with more regularity.

5. The historical precedent

Everyone loves to compare across Super Bowls. Dr. Z says this game reminds him of Jets vs. Colts, where the Colts were heavily favored, while Gregg Easterbrook sees more of a Giants/Bills Super Bowl, with this year’s Giants playing the role of… the Giants. And then you have the Steelers and Ravens connections, and the obvious Patriots/Rams role-reversal, with the Pats as the high-scoring offense and the Giants as the plucky underdogs. I can’t so much refute these hypotheses so much as I can submit my own. Notice that most of these connections led to thrilling games, while most Supes are not thrilling: people are trying to hype themselves up. The Super Bowl that I see is the Pats/Packers Super Bowl: a team, probably not even the best in its inferior conference, goes to the Super Bowl behind a strong running game and an occasionally erratic, strong-armed quarterback who’s on a roll. They give the stronger team a game for a while before attrition sets in, and then they finally start making mistakes, their first in weeks. That game score was 35-21, and I remember the details of the game like they were yesterday, because it seemed like the Patriots had a chance right up until, as my Packers fans put it, “Desmond Time.” For this year’s Giants, I see “Desmond time” hitting before the third quarter. That’s the point you know it’s probably over, and the house of cards that you’ve built your case on collapses. Eli’s accuracy. Coughlin’s great moves. Plaxico’s non-drops. Suddenly everything breaks down at once, and before you know it the game is over. That’s what I see for Sunday. The Patriots are just plain better; somehow it doesn’t seem like it now in our egalitarian two week buildup, but that’s what will become clear on Sunday.

Categories: NFL · Patriots
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You can’t make this up

January 30, 2008 · Leave a Comment

A-Rod gives money to Giuliani… who leads all the way up to when it matters… and then Giuliani tanks. It’s just so perfect.

If you haven’t yet, read my essay, The Huckster, about A-Rod’s failure of personality, here.

Categories: Politics · Sports · Yankees
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Gummy Bears

January 29, 2008 · 1 Comment

We have a giant bag of gummy bears in my office. I like eating them, though I’m not sure they could be any worse for me — I can just imagine a gelatinous sac growing inside me with each one, like The Blob for my tummy. (While we’re at it, I’ll mention that I was absolutely terrified, terrified of The Blob when I saw it at the age of 8 or so). Still, I like the gummy bears and I always get the theme song from the early 90’s cartoon stuck in my head when I eat them:

Gummy Bears
Bouncing here and there and everywhere
True adventure that’s beyond compare
They are the gummy bears
They are the gummy bears!

I’m working on another baseball essay now, this one about Bonds and Clemens. The problem is, a lot of people are also writing about this. (That last one requires a baseball prospectus subscription). One passage from Simmons’ column was particularly spot-on for a particular idea I was pinning down:

The stunning turn of events didn’t leave me as satisfied as I thought it would. Whenever people write about the Steroids Era, they always focus on numbers. After all, the combination of numbers and history makes baseball unique. We crunch them, compare them, memorize them, and eventually they become living, breathing entities. The Steroids Era has made it impossible to say which numbers are genuine, so fans worry that we can’t compare generations anymore. I’d argue that every generation has mitigating factors that affect the numbers, and in time we’ll learn how to weigh those factors from the past 15 years. We just need time.

But here’s what we won’t figure out: how to reconcile our own memories with everything we know now, after all these revelations.

I mean, I have some statistical-based stuff that’s not in Bill’s column, but he pretty much nailed that one, IMHO.

Last night I went out with the editors of Last Exit to a brand-new speakeasy bar in the Village. I talked a lot about the presidential election. Then I spilled beer on my pants and left.

Categories: Work
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Time to get personal, computer

January 28, 2008 · 3 Comments

There are three things I damage with regularity: cars, computers and my liver. I’ve tried to minimize the first problem by living in New York, where a car is not really necessary, and the last one I treat with antioxidants, vitamins and such.

The middle one is pesky. I haven’t had a brand-spanking-new computer since I went to college, and that one broke in about six months (it was also a PC, so fuck it). Since then, I’ve lived off a steady diet of office computers, girlfriends’ computers, friends’ computers and hand-me-ups from my brother. My last two laptops came straight up the genetic pipeline, first a MacBook, then a ThinkPad from Grantlesworth. They were both serviceable. The first one kept malfunctioning but was covered under an Apple warranty until it wasn’t, and was shown the door, and the second broke on and off until July when I really destroyed the thing by putting it in my checked luggage on my 15 1/2 hour trip to Hong Kong. That’s more like murder than anything else, so we’re best not to speak of it. Since then, I’ve been computer-less except at work, where my ample free time has been a nice complement to my non-computer-owning habits. But as a “writer,” this was a temporary fixture, and for my 30th birthday, someone who shall remain nicknamed NILS, KINS, NILES CRANE, THE CRANE, THE CREEZIE, etc. was kind enough to purchase me a brand new MacBook, which I am in the uncomfortable position of trying not to kill. Finally, a computer of my own that might actually last a while. It’s very strange, and I’ll adjust to it eventually, but to show you how kid-gloves I am with it right now, I’m typing this from work. Or maybe that’s because all my computer time at home is reserved for [deleted].*

* “Playing Scrabulous,” which a large percentage of work is reserved for, actually. (Mom, Scrabulous = Scrabble on Facebook. Facebook = nevermind, I’m sure you know by now, right?)

Categories: Writing
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The Huckster

January 23, 2008 · 1 Comment

My essay The Huckster is now up on Last Exit Magazine.

If you like the stuff up there, please sign up for their mailing list. They promise not to spam you, and more of my stuff will be on there in the future.

Categories: Sports · Yankees
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Yay

January 22, 2008 · Leave a Comment

I am told my essay on Alex Rodriguez will be posted tomorrow on this site. I’ll post here again when it is. In fact, this is just to jog your brain to remind you that even when there’s a lack of Boston sports news, bryanjoiner.com is open for business.

Yes, there was a joke in the last sentence.

Categories: Patriots · Writing
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Kudos to Glen Johnson

January 18, 2008 · 4 Comments

Y’all may know of my less-than-appreciative feelings for Mitt Romney. Here’s a video clip of him being challenged by an AP Reporter. For those of you under the age of, say, 23, this may be a foreign concept, that of a television reporter doing their job.

Categories: Politics
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Today is the last day of my 20’s

January 14, 2008 · 4 Comments

My twenties began with a trip to the Old Country Buffet at the Ford City mall in Chicago (it was funny then, and it’s downright hysterical now), and will officially end tomorrow with a trip to The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. I’m not sad. Here are some notable moments form the last decade:

Trip to Old Country Buffet on 20th birthday

New Year’s Day, 2004 at “The Spa”

The Snow Game (with Grant)

Getting my first real job

Seeing the Red Sox, Patriots and Cubs win World Championships

Going to outdoor Radiohead concert in Vancouver

Dollar “pots” of beer in Melbourne, Australia

Dating Natalie Portman

Family moving to Alaska and Arizona

Directing “No Country For Old Men”

Finishing the Saturday New York Times crossword puzzle

Doing the 5 Borough Bike Tour and Tour de Bronx

Driving the Pacific Coast Highway

Meeting lots of nice and nice-looking people, occasionally women

Becoming a grandfather

Meeting Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, Barry Bonds, Michael Bloomberg and Benjamin Goldfein

Writing this list

Categories: Random
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My Sporting Clothes

January 9, 2008 · 1 Comment

Since I haven’t posted anything in a while, here’s a short essay I wrote that I’ve cleaned up for publication here. Hope you like it.

In the mid-1990s, tearaway pants were invented. They looked cool and had buttons on the outside of each leg, so basketball players could remove their drawers with a flick of the wrist. One second, the pants would be there, and then — POOF! — they would be gone, folding away into the air like origami.

I cannot tell you where I was when I first learned of this product, but I was floored. I could tear away my pants. Soon, I was at the store buying a pair. They were made by Nike and cost $30. This was it: this was the future. This was the new me.

I still own a pair of tearaway pants. I wear them to bed and to softball games in which I play. I do not like them.

They will unbutton during a hasty trip from first to second base, or on a more leisurely journey from one side of my bed to the other. They, very much, do not want to stay on.

In the rare cases that I am able to see this creation to its apotheosis, it comes with a stinging depression. If I want to wear them again, I will have to re-button them. I can never find all the buttons, and almost always snap them in the wrong places.

Given my druthers, I will usually stick to the take-your-shoes-off-before-removing type of athletic wear that has work for, you know, decades. If I’m going to expel labor in the name of sports clothing, I’ll do with for a product that doesn’t let outsiders get the occasional sneak peek at my boxers. That’s right: not only is this worthless product difficult to assemble, everyone can see your undies.

I have two pairs of athletic pants that I really like. One is a pair of “traditional” wind pants, and the other the American sweatpant. I bought each of them for $10 and could not be happier with them.

After running through these guys, I will turn to shorts, longjohns, old jeans or khakis before I will call the tearaway pants into duty. Despite having been scrupulously buttoned prior to their stowing three months earlier, several of the buttons will be unhinged when I put them on, and, when forced to bend over and re-button them, a few more would pop off. It is maddening. If NBA players had to re-button the pants themselves, this entire species of pants would go extinct in an instant. We could send them to a museum. Our nightmare would be over.

Instead, we find them on clearance racks across the country, beckoning to shoppers in faux utility. The tearaway pants never really caught on after their high-profile launch, which is why they are the most plentiful items on the sale racks at athletics stores everywhere. You can find them in every size and every color. I can match my alma mater’s maroon, the Patriotic colors of Foxboro or the black-and-gold of the Boston Bruins. Which leads me into temptation. And before you know it, there I am, against my judgment, buying another pair.

Categories: Essays
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History Comes Alive!

January 7, 2008 · Leave a Comment

Categories: Patriots
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