November | 2007 | Bryan Joiner

A-Rod May Talk To The Yankees

So Alex Rodriguez now wants to talk to the Yankees without Scott Boras. Interesting. I wonder how that would go…

A-Rod whips a folded piece of paper out of his suit pocket and opens it. The paper is an email printout from Brian Cashman, telling him to go to the third floor of Yankee Stadium, room 310, at 1:30 p.m. A-Rod gets into the elevator, checks his hair in the mirror and takes a deep breath. The elevator rises. Three stories up, the doors open. He steps out. He stands there for second. Is he ready for this? He’d better be. This is a job interview, and he can’t be late. As it is, he only has a minute. Is room 310 to the left or right? He looks at the signs on the wall. It’s on the left.

He pauses after he takes one step and takes a deep breath. As he does this, someone rounds the corner and heads for the elevator. It is a man who is walking with the casualness of someone who travels these halls for a living. The man studies A-Rod’s suit, tie, and briefcase and knows why he’s here. Alex smiles politely and knowingly and begins walking away from the elevator, trying to hide his nerves. He already feels like a fool. He comes to the end of the hallway and takes another left, which, in three seconds, he realizes is wrong. He turns around, red-faced, and passes three occupied open-doored offices before coming to room 310. It is 1:31. His appointment was at 1:30. He is late.

He knocks on the door.

There is no answer.

Brian Cashman (inside): Should I get the… ?
Hank Steinbrenner (in whisper): Shhhhhhh!
Cashman (quietly): But I thought…
Hank: Let’s make him wait.

A-Rod knocks again. There is no answer.

Cashman: Hank, do you really want to… ?
Hank: Brian, SHUT UP.

A-Rod thinks he has the room number, or the wrong floor. Embarrassed, he goes back to the elevator well. His printout said to go to the third floor, but those were merely directions to the Legends Field offices. Had the email said something different? The fourth floor, maybe? He isn’t sure. All he knows is that, feeling a slight change of heart, he had emailed the Yankees behind Scott Boras’ back, and this was wrong on so many levels, and now he was lost inside Yankee Stadium just like he was lost on the outside… and so embarrassed, too…

He goes to press the button for the elevator and thinks better of it just as his thumb depresses the up arrow. It illuminates. He takes out his cell phone, which should still have Brian Cashman’s number in it, and is searching his address book when the elevator doors open. There are three people inside, and they look at him. He stammers something like ‘No, I’m good,’ and they look confused and chuckle to themselves. He tries to take it in stride, but he is breaking.

He dials Brian Cashman’s number. He thinks he can hear a phone ringing somewhere in the distance, but he can’t be sure.

Hank: Shut that damn thing off!
Cashman (turns off ringer): Sure thing, but shouldn’t we… ?
Hank: I’ll decide what we’ll do and when we’ll do it.
Cashman: Okay, sure thing. You’re the…
Hank (expectantly): … the what? Say it.
Cashman: You’re the… boss.
George Steinbrenner (on speakerphone): I heard that!
Hank: Heard what?
George: I don’t… remember. I…
Hank: It’s okay dad. He didn’t say anything.
Cashman: It’s okay, Mr. Steinbrenner.
Hank (mouthing): “I’m Mr. Steinbrenner now.”
Cashman: [gulps]
Hank: Give me that phone.

Hank takes out the phone and called A-Rod.

A-Rod: Brian?
Hank: Is this you, Alex? You are late.
A-Rod: Brian?
Hank: This is Hank Steinbrenner, Alex. Hello.
A-Rod: Hello, ah, Hank.
Hank: Hank, Alex?
A-Rod: Yes, Hank. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant Mr., ah…
Hank: Yes, Alex?
A-Rod: Mr., ah…
Hank: Yes, Alex?
A-Rod: Mr. ah… Steinbrenner?
Hank: Yes, Alex.
A-Rod: Oh, ah… thank you, Mr. Steinbrenner.
Hank: You are welcome, Alex. Why are you late?
A-Rod: Sorry, I got confused about the, um, floor. What floor are you on?
Hank: We are on the third floor, Alex.
A-Rod: Okay, what room?
Hank: Room 310, Alex.
A-Rod: Really? Because I was just, ah, there… I knocked on the door.
Hank: I can assure you that you did not, Alex. We have been here the whole time.
A-Rod:A Yeah, okay, it must have been my mistake. I’ll be there in one second.
Hank: Thank you, Alex.

A-Rod walks back down the hall, back to room 310 and knocks on the door. Brian Cashman quickly opens it. He has gotten up from one of two chairs facing Hank Steinbrenner, who sitting with his back to a large window looking upon Legends Field. It appears there are still Halloween decorations along the field: there is a mummy hanging from the backstop. Cashman, per usual, looks like he has not slept for days, but he is even worse now. Steinbrenner is sitting back in his chair, smiling. There is a phone on the table, and there is an illuminated light on the phone. Along the wall there are approximately 30 identical stuffed black garbage bags.

Hank: Hello, Alex.
A-Rod (nervously): Hello, Mr. Steinbrenner.
George: Who is that?
Hank: It is Alex Rodriguez, dad.
George: Who?
A-Rod (toward phone): HELLO, MR. STEINBRENNER. HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
George: Son, is he there?
Hank (coyly): Yes, father.
George (in firm, entirely changed tone of voice): Please sit down, Alex.
A-Rod: Mr. Steinbrenner! You’re okay!
George: Yes, Alex. Now sit down.
Hank: Wait… not just yet. Remember what we talked about, dad?
George: Yes, son. I nearly forgot.
Hank: Alex, you have demeaned this organization. And for that you must be punished.
A-Rod: I… uh…
Hank: You must wear this.

Hank pulls out a crude dunce cap emblazoned with the words “i like the red socks”

Hank: Put this on.
A-Rod: Um… okay.

He puts on the cap.

A-Rod: Should I… uh… sit?
Hank: No, Alex, you should not. Not only do you have the gall to spurn our offers, and not only do you show up late, you have the gall to wear that hat inside my office. And for that reason you should not sit.
A-Rod: But you just gave it to me…
Hank: Alex, Alex. It is useless to resist. You shall stand. Now tell me why you are here.
A-Rod: I just… um… I just…
Hank: Speak, Alex… It is time.
A-Rod: (sniff)
Hank: NOW, Alex!
A-Rod: (starts crying) I WANT TO COME BACK. I’M SORRY. SCOTT MADE ME DO IT. I DIDN’T WANT TO… I’LL PLAY FOR ANYTHING I SWEAR.
Hank: Scott made you do it, Alex?
A-Rod: (sniffs) Yes.
Hank: Are you sure about that, Alex?
A-Rod: (horrified) Wait… you didn’t… you didn’t talk to Scott, did you?
Hank: Why yes, Alex. We did.
A-Rod: This can’t be happening…
Hank: It was all your idea, Alex! It was all your idea! We know everything.
A-Rod: No!
Hank: And we are the only ones who know.
A-Rod: What… what happened to Scott.
Hank: (swivles in chair) That’s not a mummy out there, Alex!
A-Rod: Noooooooo…

Several seconds pass.

Hank: Have you composed yourself? Our final offer is this: nothing. Not even the fee for the contract notarizing, which would appreciate if you put up personally.
A-Rod: Wow, that sounds familiar.
Hank: It’s from The Godfather 2.
George: Wonderful film. Michael has his brother killed. Ruthless. I love it.
Hank: Yes.
George: Where is Hal, again?
Hank: Our work here is done, dad. You can go back to playing crazy again.
George: What?
Hank: Excellent.
A-Rod: One problem. The union will never let me play for free.
Hank: Good point. How about $27.5 million per year, 8 years? With two option years?
A-Rod: Like my old contract?
Hank: Exactly.
A-Rod: I’ll do it.
Hank: Alright, take four of these garbage bags and get the hell out of here.

A-Rod takes the bags and peers inside. They are full of money.

A-Rod: Thanks so, so much. You won’t regret this.
Hank: No Alex, we will not.

A-Rod turns to leave.

Hank: Oh, Alex. One more thing. Take off the cap.
A-Rod: That’s probably a good idea. (Takes off cap) Thanks, Boss.
George: What?
Hank: That’ll do dad. That’ll do.

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November 14, 2007

Red Sox To Play In Japan: The Negotiation

The Red Sox agreed this week to open their season in Japan, owing likely to the international following of their two Japanese players, Dice-K and Hideki Okajima. It wasn’t an easy sell at first.

Bud Selig [on speakerphone]: Hey Theo, do you want to open the season in Japan?
Theo: No.
Selig: Are you sure? You have two Japanese players.
Theo: Really?
Selig: Yes.
Theo: I know.
Selig: And a translator.
Theo: I know. He plays a mean Jenga.
Selig: Really?
Theo: No.
Selig: I stink at that game.
Theo: Oh.
Selig: So how about it? You, me, some sake and Mongolian barbecue?
Theo: Mongolian barbecue isn’t Japanese. It’s Mongolian.
Selig: I’ll have to look at a map.
Theo: I’m not sure you do.
Selig: We’ll pay you extra. And you can be the home team.
Theo: We don’t want to be the home team.
Selig: You are a master negotiator.
Theo: You are an idiot.
Selig: Just in case things went sour, I brought Billy Beane in on this conference call to help out. He wants to play you guys over there.
Beane: Theeee-yo!
Theo: Hi Billy.
Beane: Hi.
Theo: Hi.
Beane: Soooo, do you want to…
Theo: No.
Beane: Hey man, you’re killing my high!
Theo: Are you high right now?
Selig: No.
Beane: What?
Theo: I’m not interested, Billy.
Beane: Come on, maaaaan. We’ll be the home team. No one here will even notice, man! Gotta spread the A’s vibe worldwide. You can feel it man, can’t you?
Theo: No.
Beane: Come on, maan! Don’t you remember when we were staring at the Pacific, asking, like, “What if there was baseball, like, overseas?”
Theo: Uhhhh, “no…”
Beane: Or that other time, at Sully’s?
Theo: Uhhhh… no…
Beane: Are you sure?
Theo: Uh…
Beane: You little snot, you wouldn’t have that job if it wasn’t for me. I own you. Now say yes like a good little boy.
Selig: Th…
Beane: Shut up, Bud. Say yes, Theo.
Theo: Yes.
Beane: That wasn’t so hard, was it?
Theo: No.
Beane: Good. It’s your turn.
Theo: My turn to what?
Beane: Shut up, Theo. It’s your turn.
Selig: [crashing noises]
Beane: Jenga!
Selig: Dammit.
Theo: Dammit.

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November 14, 2007

This seems a bit premature…

ESPN.com is already drawing a side-by-side comparison between this year’s Celtics and the 1995-96 Bulls.

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November 14, 2007

Josh Beckett Did NOT Get Screwed

There seems to be quite the sentiment that Josh Beckett got screwed in the Cy Young Award voting. At least 10 people have come across this humble Web site looking for justice, as their search terms would indicate. These people are wrong. Josh Beckett did NOT get screwed in the Cy Young Award voting.
You could be forgiven for thinking so, but you would still be wrong. So if you think he got screwed…

Because he had better numbers
You are wrong. I’m not going to throw the numbers at you here — you can look them up yourself. Their numbers are virtually identical, except Sabathia has 40 more innings pitched. That’s good. From April 1 to October 1, Sabathia was better.

Because he was great in the playoffs
Well, then you should be a) ashamed that you don’t realize that the votes are taken before the postseason and b) happy that those extra 40 innings for Sabathia may have led to his postseason fatigue, which, with Beckett’s freshness, directly contributed to the Sox’ World Series title. He was the best pitcher in the playoffs, by far.

Because he had 20 wins
This proves you are able to count to 20. Congratulations. But one extra “win” does not nearly make up for the 40 IP difference. Why? Because wins are often a factor of offense and the bullpen — the pitcher can lose the win when they’re no longer playing, as almost certainly happened with Joe Borowski on the mound for the Indians. Beckett won 20 games because he’s great and so are Oki and Paps. Which means the Red Sox were the better team. So wait a minute…

Because the Red Sox are the better team
They both won 96 games during the regular season, and they came down to game seven in the playoffs (which, again, don’t count for awards voting). They were comparably good, and the Red Sox were a bit better in the end. But we didn’t vote in the end.

Because you’re married to Josh Beckett
If you think this, you are my friend Kaitlin. I have two things to say: one, you are NOT married to Josh Beckett; two, if you are, please keep doing what you’re doing.

Because you’re an angry Red Sox fan
This is probably the real reason. But I want you to think long and hard about this, because it’s a question you haven’t had to deal with in a while…

What are you so angry about? We won the World Series!

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November 13, 2007

Friday Night Lights

I know such entreaties can get annoying, so this is the last time I’ll say it.

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November 13, 2007

In 27 Minutes, Josh Beckett Will Not Win The Cy Young Award

I am not going to be surprised, nor am I going to fuss about it. Nor should I: it’s the right decision. Unlike some Boston-focused columnists, the Sox’ wins are enough for me. When Pedro got screwed out of the 1999 MVP award because two people did not vote for him — well, that hurt quite a bit.

Let’s not forget what an abomination that was. Vegas Watch has that listed as the worst MVP vote in history, and more recently, it’s driven Pedro to eat. Or something.

I remember exactly where I was when I heard that. I was in my living room in my first college apartment (during my junior year), and my head about exploded when I saw the ticker. I couldn’t believe it. I was on my way out the door to O’Hare, and I would, coincidentally, miss my flight for the first time ever. The only good part is that it allowed me to go back to my apartment and complain non-stop. I haven’t stopped yet, just muted it in light of recent success.

I’m still pissed about Aaron Boone, too.

(Update: He did not win, nor did I think he deserved to win. By “the wins are enough for me,” I mean the Red Sox’ wins, not his wins, because pitcher wins are dumb.)

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November 13, 2007

Matt Clement is gone!

And there was much rejoicing.

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November 13, 2007

The importance of signing Lowell

Mike Lowell’s a free agent. Normally, I would not care. But this is not a normal year — and that has nothing to do with the World Series title (which they won!). I’m not a fan of re-signing guys based on fan friendliness, likeability or prematurely graying hair, but the Lowell signing makes all the sense in the world for the Red Sox because the Yankees don’t have a third baseman and the market for them is bad. Except that one guy, but we won’t talk about him now. If the Red Sox can sign Lowell, they will block the Yankees from doing the same.

So my next question is, what’s the holdup? It seems like both sides engaged in a little doublespeak, especially Lowell. During and after the World Series, he pledged his commitment to staying in Boston, maybe even for a lower price than he could get on the open (/Yankees) market, but the sides were unable to reach a deal. The Sox proposed three years, Lowell four. I’m not begrudging Lowell for any of this — it’s good business to leverage other offers into more money, unless you’re Stanley on The Office, where it’s just not going to work. But I think there’s a separate point in all this. For all Curt Schilling’s celebrated bluster, he put his money where he mouth is. He said he would stay for less money, and he did. If nothing else, you have to respect the man for that. As someone closer to the end of his career than Lowell, it’s of less importance to squeeze every penny out of his team (or is it the other way around, with the end of the road so close?), whereas Lowell is still in his prime earning years. But still, it’s nice to avoid the drama when you can.

I still believe that Lowell is coming back though, 100 percent. I’m not worried at all. Look at the Sox’ recent history with contracts — the Varitek contract is the best analogy, but the J.D. and Lugo contracts are good indicators as well — and it points toward the Sox throwing on an option year. The money is irrelevant, but I’d guess we’re looking at 4/$50 million.

Sheesh, that is a lot of money.

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November 13, 2007

Welcome to the Colts

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November 9, 2007

Weekend Reading

Last week, I wrote that I had purchased a book entitled The Thinking Fan’s Guide to the World Cup. I’ve read about 8 essays so far, and some of them are good. Two of them are really, really good. There’s an essay by Jake Silverstein about Ecuador’s team that is phenomenal, but the best piece of writing in there (so far) is Tim Adams’ piece on the Czech Republic, which was, wonderfully, published on Salon.com at the time of the book’s publishing. You can read it here.

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Month: November, 2007