Bryan Joiner

My daughter turns one tomorrow. Here’s what I’ve learned about life:

a) Conservatives are nuts

The craziest thing to me about having a kid is realizing that the people who have a ton of children are the ones who think that we are intelligently designed, and not evolved from monkeys. First, is there anything about giving birth that seems intelligently designed? A single thing? No, there isn’t. Second, have these same people held their baby monkeys? My child grips everything she can like a monkey, and grabs ahold of anything possible with her little baby toes. She’s a monkey like the rest of us!

b) People who don’t have kids miss a thing

Not a value judgment! I think most people have kids, so I’m preaching to the choir, but something activated in my lizard brain once Lila was born. Every baby I saw, I was attached to, be it in real life or on TV. When I see Bill Maher be Very Sure Of Himself On Things Because He Never Had Kids, I get a weird feeling now, because I know that having kids will change your brain, and it’s hard to sympathize with someone so anathema to the idea. The kid will become your life, even if you are very much still vibrant and alive, and I feel like that transition is a real part of modern life.

c) It will kick your butt into some gears and not others

I’ve spent a couple years not writing or reporting as much I would have liked. I thought I would stop when I had a bebe. I was wrong. This is what I was meant to do, and nothing has set me back toward what I was meant to do by having a baby. Instead of overthinking what I should or should not be doing, I now do my shit with a promptness. The time is now, whenever I have the time. Lila and Lisa own my time now, and that’s how I want it, and it’s only because of that that I can finally relax in my own time. So get ready for the good stuff.