Bryan Joiner

Why then I

Category: Friends

Do Yankees Fans Have Legal Rights?

One year ago last month I served as best man for my friend Mike’s wedding. He married Laura, despite the fact she is a Yankees fan. He is a Phillies fan. Today, this is a problem.

Facebook comments have already suggested that divorce proceedings are being discussed, and possessions are already being separated. The problem here is that Laura is a lawyer, and Mike is not. She has crafty advantages as they sort through their property. At particular issue is the dog, whose name is Brooklyn. They both want him.

Being on the side of things that are good, I decided to consult some other attorneys, who, also in the name of good, have volunteered to help Mr. Tepper, pro bono. Here is what I have learned.

• Being a Yankees fan is grounds for divorce in 49 of 50 states.

This is not altogether surprising. Anti-NYY sentiment dates back as far as the Magna Carta, and was written into the Declaraton of Independence (it’s the stuff in invisible ink, on the back). While marrying a Yankees fan is one of the freedoms permitted by our First Amendment, it wasn’t always clear that this was the case, and most states put some sort of Yankees divorce clause into their charters just to be sure. The only one that didn’t, interestingly enough, was Massachusetts. “If you marry one, it’s your own damn problem,” was written into the Commonweath of Massachusetts charter in 1629 after being devised on the Mayflower.

• The rights of Brooklyn shareholders

As a full-time resident of Brooklyn, it is within my legal rights in the State of New York to claim Brooklyn the Dog by eminent domain. Pennsylvania (as the couple is, it is important and overdue to note, based in Philadelphia) and New York have an extradition arrangement wherein if a judge were to approve my motion, the dog would have to be delivered to me within two (2) business days. The dog then becoming mine, I could give him to Mike and Mike alone, whereupon he could either withhold the dog until Mrs. Mike decided to renounce her Yankees fandom or moved more than 500 feet away, the standard distance applied by Pennsylvania law for those seeking to avoid Yankees fans.

• Superseding clauses

The kicker is that Laura actually has no rights to any possessions as a Yankees fan. While some declare the law to be “wildly unconstitutional” and upheld during only the “darkest hours on our Supreme Court,” McGonigle vs. McGonigle ruled that Yankees fans are inherently Treasonous against the American ideals of life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness and as such are not entitled to hold U.S. property. They simply live among us, like UFOs that have taken the shape of humans, and are not protected by the Constitution. It is only by marrying Mike—a living, loving, breathing human being—that she is entitled to protection under our laws. Notable is that President George W. Bush attempted to overturn this law in the final days of his second term, only to have his deep unpopularity torpedo it. His successor, elected on a populist platform, announced during his Inauguration address that he would uphold the current law, drawing a rousing cheer from the millions on the Washington Mall. In subsequent months, despite harsh criticisms on literally every other front, right-wing critics such as Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck have applauded Mr. Obama’s leadership on this issue.

In short, we see nothing to indicate that Mike has anything to worry about, in a legal sense. In a baseball sense, this is a hell of a series, but the games will be fleeting (and hopefully, given the strength of both teams, great for everyone). He has chosen the path of life and liberty, and is legally protected into the far future.

Rex Parker Does The NYT Crossword

I just noticed that I have been added to the sidebar at Rex Parker Does The NYT Crossword, a blog that tackles my the NYT XWord with far more skill and panache than I do — and wanted to direct anyone interested over there. If you like the puzzle at all, it’s worth a look. The drawings by Emily Cureton are pretty special as well.

In fact, I was thinking of entering the annual crossword tournament in Brooklyn just after reading the blog. On the same note, I took the annual Jeopardy! online test on Tuesday. It did not go so well.

Last Exit Magazine

Two former co-workers of mine have started an online magazine called Last Exit. Yeah, yeah, people are starting stuff all the time. Just take the time to read “The Architect” and you’ll feel differently. Trust me.

Friends!

Let’s see what my friends are up to across the web:

Anonymous Lawyer: A.L. takes the group to see Knocked Up as a precautionary tale. The lesson: unwanted pregnancies can ruin workplace efficiency.

Dustinland: Why we date who we date.

Escapist Entryway: Ben signs off with KOLO-TV in Reno.

Jeremy Blachman: Mom, figs, book tour.

K.D. Photos: Pig: Yeah, I’m chillin’. So what?

Madison and Mayberry: Andrea reviews Top Chef.

Mik Awake: Mik joins a gym. Hilarity ensues.

Rod Barajas: Barajas is watching Webisodes.

The New York Inquirer: Hot dog!

Kelley DeBettencourt Photography

A friend of mine from back home has started her own photography studio, Kelley DeBettencourt Photography. All of the pictures are of aminals and are pretty darn good. You can buy them* or just look at them with your eyes.

* recommended.

Updated 2010: A lot of great wedding photography, and yes, aminals is spelled wrong on purpose.