And… that happened.
The Red Sox agreed this week to open their season in Japan, owing likely to the international following of their two Japanese players, Dice-K and Hideki Okajima. It wasn’t an easy sell at first.
Bud Selig [on speakerphone]: Hey Theo, do you want to open the season in Japan?
Selig: Are you sure? You have two Japanese players.
Theo: I know.
Selig: And a translator.
Theo: I know. He plays a mean Jenga.
Selig: I stink at that game.
Selig: So how about it? You, me, some sake and Mongolian barbecue?
Theo: Mongolian barbecue isn’t Japanese. It’s Mongolian.
Selig: I’ll have to look at a map.
Theo: I’m not sure you do.
Selig: We’ll pay you extra. And you can be the home team.
Theo: We don’t want to be the home team.
Selig: You are a master negotiator.
Theo: You are an idiot.
Selig: Just in case things went sour, I brought Billy Beane in on this conference call to help out. He wants to play you guys over there.
Theo: Hi Billy.
Beane: Soooo, do you want to…
Beane: Hey man, you’re killing my high!
Theo: Are you high right now?
Theo: I’m not interested, Billy.
Beane: Come on, maaaaan. We’ll be the home team. No one here will even notice, man! Gotta spread the A’s vibe worldwide. You can feel it man, can’t you?
Beane: Come on, maan! Don’t you remember when we were staring at the Pacific, asking, like, “What if there was baseball, like, overseas?”
Theo: Uhhhh, “no…”
Beane: Or that other time, at Sully’s?
Theo: Uhhhh… no…
Beane: Are you sure?
Beane: You little snot, you wouldn’t have that job if it wasn’t for me. I own you. Now say yes like a good little boy.
Beane: Shut up, Bud. Say yes, Theo.
Beane: That wasn’t so hard, was it?
Beane: Good. It’s your turn.
Theo: My turn to what?
Beane: Shut up, Theo. It’s your turn.
Selig: [crashing noises]
The Boston Globe reported that Scott Boras had a sit down with the Red Sox to discuss Alex Rodriguez, but Boras insisted it was to discuss all of his clients. Boras clients J.D. Drew, Jason Varitek and Daisuke Matsuzaka are already on the Red Sox roster. Behold the mind of a master tactician.
Theo: Hello Scott.
Boras: Hey Theo, did you like that Grand Slam?
Boras: He’s speechless! Nah, I’m just kidding. I’m just here to check up on those clients of mine: J.D., Varitek, Dice-K, Pedroia…
Theo: You don’t represent Pedroia.
Boras: You have your story, I have mine. Mine is that several teams are interested in Pedroia at $12 million per. But he’d be happy to give you guys a hometown discount of $1 million. Not because he loves playing here, but he’s a local kid.
Theo: He’s from California.
Boras: And that’s practically on top of Boston. That’s why he’s willing to forego that extra $500,000.
Theo: You said one million.
Boras: You’re entitled to your opinion.
Theo: Why are you here again?
Boras: I’m not sure Varitek is happy here any more. He misses Japan.
Theo: That’s Dice-K.
Boras: He does like the nickname. It’s pretty clever. He’s willing to knock $2 million off his asking price just for that.
Theo: He’s already under contract.
Boras: You obviously didn’t read the contract close enough. It said that if he was named World Series MVP, he had the right to negotiate a new deal.
Theo: He wasn’t the MVP.
Boras: Not of this World Series, no.
Theo: Of any World Series.
Boras: You’re sure about that? I’m fairly sure I heard that Mike Lowell was the World Series MVP.
Theo: We were talking about Jason Varitek. You don’t represent Lowell.
Boras: That depends on your definition of “represent.” We’ll do $50 million for three years.
Theo: For who?
Theo: He’s already signed.
Boras: Then why are we here?
Theo: You called the meeting. You tell me.
Boras: Did it have to do with A-Rod?
Theo: Probably, but we’re not interested.
Boras: My work here is done.