The Arizona State Preview That Wasn’t

by Bryan

In honor of Arizona State’s opening-round game in the NIT tonight, here’s the ASU preview that would have run on Deadspin had they made that elitist NCAA tournament.

  1. The Herbivores. The Tempe fans have nicknamed themselves the “Herbivores” in loving deference to second-year head coach Herb Sendek, late of NC State. And let’s face it: Herb Sendek is a just a terrible name. At least someone is having fun with it. Though I’d like to think the fans got the name after eating at the Crapplebee’s on ASU’s campus. Its slogan should be, “In sober — out a vegetarian!” Every night they have half-priced beers after 9 p.m., which are expected to make up for the Rottweiler-meat burgers. They do not. The nachos, however, are excellent.
  2. Tucson Raiders. Wait, why are we talking about the NCAA Tournament? WE BEAT U OF A TWICE. Let that sink in for a second. Twice. Do you really think we care about the NCAA Tournament? We care about the Wildcats not making the tournament. Since domestic disputes aren’t (always) funny, we won’t make fun of Lute Olson, but without Lute, the university’s got nothing to hang its hat on. And don’t yell “Jennie Finch!” There are a dozen Jennie Finches in every class at ASU, and for that matter, three Amanda Beards and one Jake Plummer. The Snake’s no fool.
  3. Harden fast. Fast ‘N Hard. No wait — the first one. From ASU ’07 Grant Joiner’s lips to your eyes, I present to you the 2007-2008 Arizona Sun Devils offense: “So it’ll be the end of the game, and James Harden will have the ball. He’ll dribble. Then he’ll drive a little bit and get double-teamed. Then he’ll get triple-teamed. Then he’ll stop and shoot it over three guys and it will go in. That’s it. That’s all they ever do.” Rumors persist that a second ASU player — named “Pendergrass,” “Pendergraph,” or “Pie Graph” — actually exists, which Deadspin associates were working feverishly to confirm at press time.