Dumbass

by Bryan

Scene: Bryan’s Apartment, 7:30 p.m.

(Bryan has just returned from C-Town Supermarket bearing Italian sausages to cook for his pasta. He looks around the kitchen for his cooking pan. He can’t find it, and immediately fumes that his roommate’s mom must have thrown it away during one of her marathon cleaning sessions. The anger subsides when he realizes that he left it at a friend’s house for a Super Bowl party. His friend Ravi used it to cook chicken, so he calls Ravi now to ask if a stainless steel pan can be put in the oven, just to make sure.)

Ravi: Hello?

Bryan: Hello?

Ravi: Hello?

Bryan: Hello?

Ravi: [disconnected]

(He calls again)

Bryan: Hello?

Ravi: What’s up?

Bryan: Hey — cooking question. Can I use a stainless steel pan in the oven? I don’t have my pan any more after the Super Bowl.

Ravi: Why not?

Bryan: Okay.

Ravi: Okay, later.

(Bryan bakes the sausage in the pan for 30 minutes, during which time he makes the rest of the meal… ahem, cooks the pasta and dumps sauce on it. After 30 minutes, he takes the pan out with an oven mitt and sets it on the stovetop).

Bryan (thinking): I need a knife to check if these are done! (I get a knife) Hmm, they might not be! You know what, I hope Edgar doesn’t come home and see this pan sitting here and try to move it… he won’t know it’s hot. Anyhow, time to put the pan back in! (I grab the pan with my bare hand, having taken the mitt off to get the knife. That is, I forgot the pan was hot one second after thinking it.) Ow. I’m a dumbass.

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