Bryan Joiner

Why then I

Category: Uncategorized

YOU A LOSUH!

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I wrote about the Nets, of whom I’m a season-ticket holding guy.

Why is Bill Simmons insane over the Patriots?

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On a recent podcast, Bill Simmons lamented that the Patriots let Adam Vinatieri leave the team in 2006, because he exemplified the “Patriot Way,” and they have suffered for a lack of this intangible quality since he left. On a more recent podcast, with Bob Ryan, he lamented that the Patriots were ‘turning over’ 12-win seasons without winning a championship. The Patriots have gone 88-24 in the regular season in the post-Vinatieri stretch and have lost two Super Bowls by one absurdity and one note-perfect symphony of a pass play. Simmons’ nutso Patriots talk carried over to this year’s de facto jettisoning of Wes Welker, for which he called Bill Barnwell to act as a therapist and first responder. Barnwell had already written that Amendola’s statistics on the Rams were far better than Welker’s before he joined the Patriots as a tacit plea for everyone not to lose their shit, and the question isn’t whether Amendola will be better than Welker (he probably won’t be). The Patriots won three Super Bowls without Welker and could win without him next year. They have done just fine without Vinatieri. This is pretty damn good for a decade. Why the hysterical blindness? What makes Patriots fans like Bill Simmons so obviously crazy when it comes to the team, aside from the fact his head is so far down Secretariat’s mouth that all he sees is darkness?

The ‘Patriot Way’ has always been a death machine. Insofar as there’s a ‘Patriot Way’ at all, it is a plastic sign hanging above Bill Belichick’s office reading ‘buy low, sell high,’ which he slaps every day on his way out to the field and then sends some MLB packing. There are a few obvious amendments: Belichick, Tom Brady, Logan Mankins and Vince Wilfork are irreplaceable, and are paid as such long into their careers. Terrell Suggs said in February that players on all 31 other teams ‘hate’ the Patriots. There’s a ring of truth there, but there’s a fat lie inside of it: Players hate the Patriots right up until they need them. Corey Dillon, Randy Moss, Wes Welker, Brandon Lloyd, Danny Amendola, and Aqib Talib could file testimonials. It is a system of strict player valuation so mind-numbingly uncomplicated and successful that no one is content to just leave it alone.

Adam Vinatieri was so easily replaceable that the Patriots managed to do it that very season with a fourth-round pick who’s been every bit as good as Vinatieri, if not better, and neither has had a Super Bowl-winning kick, so you know, that insane qualification also checks out. The Patriots did not lose because the ‘Patriot Way’ was impure. In Simmons’ case, you win or you die, and your journey becomes loaded with meaningless symbols. The defining quality of being a sports fan is that a foothold in sports is worth the same as a doctorate. You can read talk about them at work or start a blog and it’s all the same. Intoxicants have the notable side effect of making you spout nonsense. The Pats hosted the AFC Championship game two months ago. There’s no evidence that there’s anything to worry about. There is no sorrow in 12-win seasons. There should only be pride, and the decision to shut up. Your gift horse won the Triple Crown.

Goats yelling like humans, ranked

 

1. Goat 1 (0:00-0:21): Just amazing yelling and poise. Totally not flustered, and legitimately seems to need some help. For what? Who knows? But we’re all ears.

2. Goat 3 (0:27-0:42): The authenticity of the scream is just fantastic, even if it’s weak. Let’s face it: Weakness can be funny. You know it, I know it, and the American people know it.

3. Goat 9 (1:42-1:59): A nice angry retort to some regular ol’ bleating. Shit doesn’t always need to be gussied up.

4. Goat 4 (0:54-1:02): Very much of the same school as Goat 1, but without the smooth finish. Underrated (in society as a whole, not on this list).

5. Goat 10 (1:45-1:49): Is higher on other lists. Also very much in the same vein as Goat 1, but in the same way Jerry Stackhouse was in the same vein as Michael Jordan. Good? Yes. More than that? No.

6. Goat 8 (1:36-1:45): So Italian. Major problem: Doesn’t sound like a human. But serious attitude points.

7. Goat 6 (1:02-1:12): Cuter than it is effective. Props the cameraman for acknowledging the absurdity, tho.

8: Goat 4: (0:42:-0:54): Solid bleating, but this is an A/V competition, and you’re on some 8-bit shit.

9: “Goat” 11 (1:59-end):  A lamb. And fake. Still better than…

10. Goat 2/7 (0:21-27, 1:12-1:22): Kill yourself. You’re the worst. Never bleat again. Ever.

The Horror and the Noise

I wrote more about Reeva Steenkamp and Oscar Pistorius over at The Classical. Previous post here.

When a man kills a woman: The ethics of the Oscar Pistorius coverage

At some point in the future, another famous athlete will kill another beautiful woman. This is inevitable. That’s why I was so disheartened with Katie J.M. Baker’s teardown of the Reeva Steenkamp/Oscar Pistorius coverage at Jezebel today. Baker said, basically, that the media was irresponsible for running pictures of Steenkamp from her work as a swimsuit model on their front pages, and that the AP and the New York Times had glazed over the severity of the crime and the totality of Steenkamp’s life to focus on Pistorius in their articles. She found fault with one NYT paragraph in particular, and I agree totally with her criticism of it, which reads:

His arrest is a stark reminder that violence is an everyday face of life in South Africa, where fear of armed robberies and carjacking prompt the wealthy to take refuge in heavily guarded gated compounds and arm themselves with handguns.

It is, of course, not a reminder of this, or not one worth mentioning. But the real problem, echoed by Deadspin later in the day, was boobs. I do not believe that the ethics of publishing swimsuit photographs of someone who was a swimsuit model, among other professions, aren’t as cut-and-dried as Baker and Barry Petchesky make them sound, and not leastwise because those outlets ran the newspaper covers themselves. Their defense might be along the lines of Jon Stewart’s, when he’s invariably asked if The Daily Show is a news program, and he invariably responds that it is not. I think you could make an argument either way with Stewart, and I think you could make an argument for or against Jezebel and Deadspin as being hypocritical by publishing photos they condemn, but I’m not interested in that argument or, frankly, what they did. I’m interested in what should be done the next time this happens. Because it will.

Baker didn’t propose a solution, which was the most disappointing part. My question is whether it is ethical to post posthumous photos of a professional swimsuit model. Steenkamp was a law school graduate in addition to being a model, and one commenter expressed her objections like this:

[S]he was also a qualified lawyer and modeled cosmetics, and that the photo on the cover wasn’t chosen as a direct representation of her career (again, she modeled more than just swimsuits) but to be titillating.

Of course, if a newspaper is going to put one photo on a cover at a time, it would be impossible to have a “direct representation of her career” if she modeled more than one thing. That the newspapers chose swimsuits is hardly suprising, but that doesn’t make it right. It also doesn’t make it wrong, and part of it has to do with your take on the modeling profession. Steenkamp chose to be a model. If you are a successful model, modeling is not easy. It looks easy, and that’s the hard part: Anyone can look good for a few minutes at a time with months of practice, but even then, it has to look easy. Like anything, it’s hard work — extremely hard, if you have to stay at a certain weight. She chose to do it, and she did it well. If one is going to attack the newspaper for publishing the photos because of the outsized effect exposed skin has on the human brain, one could see that as an indictment of Steenkamp’s chosen profession, and that she, herself, had exploited this outsized effect in her own way. One could say the newspaper was respecting her by showing off her work.

I don’t necessarily believe this. BlackSportsOnline, a site I respect for its breadth of coverage but cringe at which I cringe for its butchered grammar and constant barrage of pinup photos, ran a series of Steenkamp photos with their article, and it rubbed me the wrong way. For me, that was sexualizing her too much; my line was more than one photo. When I saw the covers of the Post and Daily News this morning, I wasn’t surprised, nor was I horrified. If we know about Pistorius because of his athletic accomplishments and now about Steenkamp’s looks because of her death, these are part of the same system that circumvents the logical parts of our brain. On the whole, we like stupid stories about athletes and we like pictures of scantily clad humans, and even if it was 55 percent for and 45 against, that’s a ton of people against. But this type of coverage isn’t immoral just because you personally don’t fall prey to these traps. It may be immoral, but it just means you don’t like it.

Maybe that’s not what Baker was saying, but she didn’t say much about why newspapers shouldn’t do this, except that this “is not [Pistorius’s] obituary.” Was it Steenkamp’s? Better question: If it was Steenkamp’s obituary, would it be right to run a photo? She chose to do this, after all: Saying that running a photo of her in swimwear implies that she didn’t take pride in her work, and that it’s less representative of her life than, say, a candid photo of her at home, is disrespectful to the work, whether that sounds insane or not. We don’t think twice about running photos of actors in their roles or chemists at the lab. Running the photo wouldn’t be disrespectful to her. But here’s the problem, and here’s why Baker is right. These things are not for Steenkamp — she’s dead. They’re for us. And running a photo of a dead woman in swimwear exploits our brains into not thinking about what to do when this happens again, and the next dead model’s boobs are up in our faces again, and the cycle of rage repeats itself, and we’re no closer to a solution. These are real people, not toys for Rupert Murdoch to play with, or for Katie J.M. Baker to channel outrage without having to say, in detail, why this is wrong and what to do about it, in face of all the temptations to do it the same way all over again. The forces of sex and violence are powerful. If we’re going to beat them, we’re going to have to try twice as hard. This wasn’t it.

The six best riffs on Pedro Strop’s name

—By @nocoastoffense and myself—

Stropical depression

Stroppin’ bombs on your moms

No Strop Till Brooklyn

Strop snitching

Strop it like it’s hot

All Strop and no play make Homer something something

Bonus: Can’t Strop won’t Strop

NBA Sweeps

The NBA playoffs are jumping like a lie detector, and we’re nearing peak season of the percentage of truth per game. Football’s designed to focus solely on what happens in the playoffs, and baseball is forever about what could, or could have, gone down. Basketball’s solidly in the middle, the fleshiest body with which to work. Almost no one doubts the wisdom of the best-of-seven-game basketball series, so it’s endlessly compelling in real time. There are five ideas about how this will all play out that maintain any credence: The Heat pull it out, the Heat blow it, the Celtics somehow hold on, the Spurs asphyxiate more victories, or Oklahoma City bombs and hops its way to glory. There are at at most 13 games to figure this all out, which means a fortnight of new world orders.

I think that’s all I had to say, but here’s Rondo being Rondo:

New York is a terrible place to watch baseball

It is ideal weather for attending a Major League Baseball game. The Mets are playing in 90 minutes. They play way over there. I’m pointing to the stadium right now. I’m not going.

Watching baseball in New York is a miserable experience, by definition. The Yankees are boring and imperial, and the Mets are a joke. Their stadiums don’t help the matter whatsoever. Both are bland, vacant echoes of other places: The Yankees’ of Yankee Stadium, Citifield as the ghost of so many other ballparks across the country. The park evokes Ebbetts Field like Justin Bieber evokes Nas, despite what the Mets would have you believe.

There is no novelty at either park. You are provided the product of a baseball game and provided with the opportunity to engage with the screens and purchase high-quality food and drink products and officially licensed team merchandise, which gives you some cache to return to the park and repeat the process. I can’t say a thing about the full capitalization of the fan experience better than @muziejus did in “Paris is Earning.” You should check it out. The result is that as a potential new customer of New York baseball on any given day throughout the season, I repeatedly find other things to do. The game is hardly the thing. No single win or loss defines the Yankees: Being the Yankees does. Even if you saw “history,” it would be a footnote. The Yankees make sure of it that they’re more important than you. The Mets are the opposite, especially given that they’ve never had a no-hitter. Every single game promises to be something for Baseball purposes, right up until it doesn’t.

I do think the Mets will be sneaky fun this year. There are literally zero expectations, and they have some potentially likable young players.

They’re not likable enough for me to make the trek out to Queens, which isn’t so bad a trip in itself. It’s that you always have to make the trek back, and make it with Mets fans sulking in the primordial stew of another loss or the similar acid bath of knowing their win was illusory and up for debate again tomorrow. It’s a six-hour commitment in a place where many people can walk to any type of exciting thing in under five minutes. Baseball monetized the sun a long time ago, but the lowercase-p park has been running a nonprofit on the same business model literally forever. I see no need to participate in a system that gets me to spend money so that I continue to do so. If I want Shake Shack, I won’t suffer through Mets baseball to get it.

Brutality and Obama’s gay marriage announcement

I learn so much from far lefties on the Internet that I feel bad criticizing them. Remainder rage fuels the Internet, pays the bills for someone like myself, and is entirely avoidable. I mean, what about the last line of John Cook’s otherwise well-reasoned “Barack Obama’s Bullshit Gay Marriage Announcement” isn’t high-class trolling: “Obama is moving backward, not forward.”

There is enough nonsense in that to make your stomach churn. There’s also enough nonsense in there to discard it entirely. The Internet Thunderdome of Ideas is a good thing, on the whole. The universe only exists because matter outgrew anti-matter by a tiny, tiny fraction of a percent after the Big Bang, and so is the progress of ideas, just in general. Their fundamental rightness leads them to slowly build up over time. The Internet accelerates this trend. Charles Pierce wrote yesterday about the inevitable acceptance of homosexuals in sports, correctly, that, “In 50 years, our grandchildren are going to wonder what all the fuss was about.” While that’s hardly anything to be proud of, it’s a fact. Progress happens.

But man, is it brutal in the short term.

To answer the question of what lineup I used in Ice Hockey

It’s a discussion I’m in on Twitter, and here’s the answer:

In the 15 or so Ice Hockey seasons that were played, we were restricted to the following lineup: skinny, medium, medium, fat. All the mediums had to have pair-names, like “Hammer and Sickle” on USSR, but when players retired and such we had to come up with new ones so that left fewer of them, and eventually we went esoteric with “Boggs and More Boggs” or hyperregional like “Tomassian & Tomassian” (a law firm in our town). But I wouldn’t consider that an ideal lineup. I think the only really responsible lineup is skinny-fat-fat-fat. The fat guys are just so much better.