Bryan Joiner

After an aborted trip to the State Fair of Texas on Saturday, I went for a whirlwind tour on Sunday morning. Unfortunately, I did not bring a camera on my trip, as mine broke after a trip to the beach this summer and I have not replaced it (the damage was sand-related). Anyhow, I will remember the State Fair for three reasons:

1) I saw piglet nearly drown.

This is true. Shortly after “breakfast,” we walked over to a farm animals display where there were rabbits, chickens and pigs in separate pens. The actual pigpen contained a family of pot-bellied pigs. There was a mother and three piglets. One of the piglets appeared to be taking a bath in the mother’s water bowl, which was filled about one-inch high, if that. The piglet was no bigger than a decent-sizen kitten and should have been able to right itself, but we quickly realized that it was drowning. Eventually, a fair worker came from behind the pen to scoop the piglet out, but the worker was in a wheelchair and had difficulty negotiating the pen’s door, and the moment before she grabbed the ‘let, its arms and legs went rigid. Needless to say, the mama pig went nuts, charging the worker before turning her attention on her child. It was fairly motionless, taking only heaving breaths, legs still rigid: it quite literally sat on the borderline between life and death. After about a minute of this, the mother began prodding it with her snout — and the piglet wobbled to its feet, causing a great many sighs and relieved head-turns from the assembled crowd. That I had a pork chop sandwich literally minutes later should not diminish the enormity of the moment.

2. I saw a butter sculpture.

Sadly, I cannot find a photo of this online. It was a life-sized sculpture of a cow and goat escaping from the carriage of a hot air balloon. I give immense credit to whomever imagined such an implausible scene; the inspiration was as impressive as the work itself. Not really, but close enough.

3. I ate poorly. Very poorly.

Remember, I was only there for 90 minutes. But I did some serious family-aided damage in those 90 minutes. Here is my dietary log, complete with appropriate Google images:

Foods 1 and 2: Biscuits and Gravy, Breakfast Tacos (app. time: 10:15 a.m.)

In reality, the biscuits were swimming in sausage gravy.

Foods 2, 3, and 4: Fried Coke, Fried Cookie Dough, Pork Chop Sandwich (app time: 10:35 a.m.)

The Fried Cookie Dough was the clear winner of the day. Covered with chocolate sauce, it was delectable. The Fried Coke was a gimmick, and is exactly as shown in the picture: fried dough in a cup, filled 1/4 of the way with coke syrup, and topped with whipped cream. My pork chop didn’t have sauce on top, having been exquisitely pre-seasoned and was served traditionally, on white bread. It was fan-tastic.

Food the sixth: Jalapeño/cheese corn dog (app. time: 11:10 a.m.)

Barely spicy at all. My first corn dog ever. Yes, really.

Food the seventh: Fried Oreos (app. time: 11:45 a.m.)

Pretty damn delicious, these little things. They took away the sting of not being able to throw a football through a little hole or catapult a rubber chicken into a rotating stockpot. Twice.

And of course, y’all know how the rest of the trip went.