Bryan Joiner

The true story of me getting a bagel this morning with my brother. It’s not funny or anything, it’s just bagels.

ME: What’s up bud. (Not really a question)

BAGEL GUY: (sullen, and that won’t change) What do you want.

ME: Can I get a cinnamon raisin bagel with plain cream cheese?

BAGEL GUY: (calling to back) Raisin with cheese! (to me) Anything else?

ME: Can I get a large coffee?

BAGEL GUY: (moves backward) Light and sweet? Milk and sugar?

ME: Just milk.

BAGEL GUY: (fills it up, returns) Anything else

MY BROTHER RECENTLY ARRIVED ON THE RED EYE, THE REASON I’M UP THIS EARLY: Yeah, can I have… a garlic bagel with light cream cheese?

BAGEL GUY: (looks at my brother’s girfriend)

CHELSEA: Can I also have a garlic bagel with light cream cheese?

BAGEL GUY: Light on the cream cheese or lowfat cream cheese?

BRO: Lowfat.

BAGEL GUY: Two garlic, low fat cheese. (rings up my total) Four ninety eight.

ME: (I point back and forth)

BAGEL GUY: (looks at my brother’s money) Together.

BRO: Yes.

BAGEL GUY: (frowns, keys in some stuff) Eight ninety eight.

BRO: (hands him money)

(Guy makes change, gives it to my brother, slams a paper bag on the counter to open it and puts it on the counter.)

BAGEL GUY: Next!

(Two minutes pass and I have my food but we’re waiting for the garlic bagels until he puts them in the bag and we walk out.)

ME: That’s the Brooklyn hospitality we’re known for.

CHELSEA: You have a movie theater close by! That must be nice.