Bryan Joiner

Why then I
March 18, 2008

The Arizona State Preview That Wasn’t

In honor of Arizona State’s opening-round game in the NIT tonight, here’s the ASU preview that would have run on Deadspin had they made that elitist NCAA tournament.

  1. The Herbivores. The Tempe fans have nicknamed themselves the “Herbivores” in loving deference to second-year head coach Herb Sendek, late of NC State. And let’s face it: Herb Sendek is a just a terrible name. At least someone is having fun with it. Though I’d like to think the fans got the name after eating at the Crapplebee’s on ASU’s campus. Its slogan should be, “In sober — out a vegetarian!” Every night they have half-priced beers after 9 p.m., which are expected to make up for the Rottweiler-meat burgers. They do not. The nachos, however, are excellent.
  2. Tucson Raiders. Wait, why are we talking about the NCAA Tournament? WE BEAT U OF A TWICE. Let that sink in for a second. Twice. Do you really think we care about the NCAA Tournament? We care about the Wildcats not making the tournament. Since domestic disputes aren’t (always) funny, we won’t make fun of Lute Olson, but without Lute, the university’s got nothing to hang its hat on. And don’t yell “Jennie Finch!” There are a dozen Jennie Finches in every class at ASU, and for that matter, three Amanda Beards and one Jake Plummer. The Snake’s no fool.
  3. Harden fast. Fast ‘N Hard. No wait — the first one. From ASU ’07 Grant Joiner’s lips to your eyes, I present to you the 2007-2008 Arizona Sun Devils offense: “So it’ll be the end of the game, and James Harden will have the ball. He’ll dribble. Then he’ll drive a little bit and get double-teamed. Then he’ll get triple-teamed. Then he’ll stop and shoot it over three guys and it will go in. That’s it. That’s all they ever do.” Rumors persist that a second ASU player — named “Pendergrass,” “Pendergraph,” or “Pie Graph” — actually exists, which Deadspin associates were working feverishly to confirm at press time.
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March 18, 2008

I’m in hot water

The great shower debacle of ’07-’08 has come to an end.

You know what the problem was? The lever only went halfway from cold to hot.

I am serious. When they redid the bathroom, they didn’t rig up the lever correctly. It took me over a year to figure this out — I just always pulled the thing until it stopped and never looked at the fixture. I looked at it this weekend and finally realized that it stopped before the hot water could kick in. Wonderful. Thanks.

Things are getting more exciting on this blog by the day.

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March 16, 2008

Sometimes the best laid plans are ruined by a B.S. over the back call

I wrote an Arizona State preview for Deadspin last week for the NCAA tournament, which they were likely to make. They did not. The University of Arizona Wildcats, whom the Sun Devils beat twice, did. There was an inflammatory paragraph about the opposite scenario — an ASU berth with U of A out — shows what I know.

N.I.T.! N.I.T.!

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March 14, 2008

Now That’s An Opening Sentence!

The first line of A.O. Scott’s review of Horton Hears a Who!:

What distinguishes “Horton Hears a Who!” from the other recent Dr. Seuss film adaptations —“How the Grinch Stole Christmas” and “The Cat in the Hat,” in case you need reminding — is that it is not one of the worst movies ever made.

I know praise when I see it.

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March 10, 2008

Pacifists!

From my Starbucks cup:

The Way I See It #290

On the battlefield of ideas, winning requires moving toward the sound of the guns.

— Newt Gingrich, Former Speaker of the House of Representatives

The is the author’s opinion, not necessarily that of Starbucks.

Fight back, you coffee drinking hippies!

Tongue solidly in cheek.

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March 9, 2008

Determined

I’m determined to take a hot shower today. I’ll run the water as many times as I have to. I’m not letting the forces against me — my landlord, the water heater that was installed in the 1800s — take me down. It’s just not happening. My shower will be hot, and that’s all there is to it.

A friend just unearthed this gem of mine, from a 2004 column after the Knicks traded for Marbury:

Now, for the first time since Mark Jackson, the Knicks have a point guard who can get into the lane and feed their deadeye shooters, Allan Houston and Keith van Horn. The Knicks are now a playoff team, but it goes beyond that. They are a team worth watching.

When you’re right, you’re right!

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March 7, 2008

Writings on other sites

I wrote a very thorough and, in retrospect, early Sports Guy-esque column evaluating whether the Yankees front-office family compared more favorably to that of The Godfather or Arrested Development over here.

I also had a good Republican/Democrat give and take with a friend of mine in the comments to this post.

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March 6, 2008

Oh David Remnick, You Prankster You

There’s a really tremendous pun in the first paragraph of this week’s The New Yorker.  The article is about Russia’s new president.

Alexander II, before liberating the serfs, liberated the smokers. (To indulge his own habit, he lifted the imperial ban on tobacco.) Alexander III played the French horn. Nicholas II was a photography buff. Catherine the Great was a passionate equestrienne. Maybe it has something to do with the vastness of Russia’s geography or with the bloody absolutism of its history, but it’s always been easier to contemplate a new master of the Kremlin by seizing on homey anecdotes.

If you get it, it’s really fantastic.

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March 5, 2008

Hey David Stern: Fuck You

This is actually the second post in the last 10 minutes to revolve around the words “Fuck you.”

But seriously, fuck you.

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March 4, 2008

Can’t Stop What’s Coming

Just watched No Country For Old Men for the second time tonight. Got the DVD when I was the first person to work and the UPS guy came in while I was checking my messages. It pissed me off because I didn’t want to get up, and I don’t usually sign for the UPS guy. I had to get up and walk clear across the office. The package was addressed to someone who hasn’t worked at our company in five years. He used to work for the toy magazine, not the licensing magazine I work for. The package was small and full of two DVDs. I might have put it on my co-worker’s desk if I hadn’t seen the label, which read, “No Country/Dan in Real.” I opened the package, took out the movies and put them in my bag. Later on I offered up Dan in Real Life to the office. One of the toy magazine staffers took it, happily, as expected. If he would have been at work earlier, he would have gotten both movies, but I got No Country.

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